Guilty

This week, I have been arguing with Ian. We don't do it often, so when it happens I feel like it is the end of my little world. I know that in part I am wrong, but I wish he would just be a little more understanding of my point of view. It would be easier to accept that I am wrong if he gave some empathy rather than being a wall.

So, the issue that we are fighting over is that Ian's work Christmas party is on Simon's third birthday. When he first mentioned the Christmas party weeks ago, I asked him to make it any night other than Simon's birthday. He said he would try. As it turns out, the party is on Simon's birthday and Ian does not want me to be late. He said "If you are going to plan to be late, then don't come at all. I don't want you there". Harsh! I just wanted to put the kid to bed on his birthday. He hates babysitters! Besides, birthdays are special to me. It is a day that I think about what was going on in my life when that little person came into the world. I think about how thankful I am and how much they have changed me.


So there are a few issues here. There is a societal pressure that I am supposed to go, look good, smile and support my husband. He works all year at his job and this is an opportunity to see him shine. That is what I signed up for when I married Ian. My mother-in-law feels that it what I should do, as does a number of good friends whole opinions I respect.

On the other hand, we are not doing a big birthday party for Simon. I have asked my parents to visit some time that week to celebrate, but they can't. I asked if we could visit them the weekend before, but they will have their hands full with my sister and their kids. So, Simon will get a few presents, we will bring cupcakes to his friends at preschool, I will stay with him at school as the parent helper and I will take him out for lunch.

I can't help feeling guilty that he will not be seeing his dad on his birthday AND I won't be eating cake with him and his brothers at dinner.

Ideally, Ian's Christmas party would be another day and we would have a nice family dinner together, but I am going to have to suck it up and accept that my husband needs me more.

Do I sound bitter? I'm not really. I just need to mull this over in my head a bit.

I think it would be easier to accept that I was missing Simon's birthday if I was invited to a U2 concert, or Ian was taking me out on a date alone. Last year at Ian's Christmas party, I was accosted by one of his sales guys who proceeded to lecture me on how there is no such thing as Global Warming. I tried to be polite and disagree, but he seemed to get more fired up. At the time, Ian was busy socializing that he didn't realize I was feeling very uncomfortable until the guys girlfriend suggested that Ian "save me".  Not my idea of a good time.

I would much prefer to be home with my boys, reflecting on how much has changed over the last three years. What a wonderful surprise Simon was. Once the boys were in bed, I would rather spend time alone with Ian over a glass of wine talking about the day and what our future holds.

A mother's guilt is never healthy. We do it to ourselves. Whether it is a missed birthday party, we are late to pick them up from school or we have repremanded our child too harshly. So, to be good to myself, I need to let it go. Take a deep breath and know that in the grand scheme of things, when he is 26, Simon won't remember that we weren't there for the evening of this third birthday. The only one who cares is me. I am not doing something morally wrong. I am accompaning my husband to a work event. I should not feel guilty.