Guilty

This week, I have been arguing with Ian. We don't do it often, so when it happens I feel like it is the end of my little world. I know that in part I am wrong, but I wish he would just be a little more understanding of my point of view. It would be easier to accept that I am wrong if he gave some empathy rather than being a wall.

So, the issue that we are fighting over is that Ian's work Christmas party is on Simon's third birthday. When he first mentioned the Christmas party weeks ago, I asked him to make it any night other than Simon's birthday. He said he would try. As it turns out, the party is on Simon's birthday and Ian does not want me to be late. He said "If you are going to plan to be late, then don't come at all. I don't want you there". Harsh! I just wanted to put the kid to bed on his birthday. He hates babysitters! Besides, birthdays are special to me. It is a day that I think about what was going on in my life when that little person came into the world. I think about how thankful I am and how much they have changed me.


So there are a few issues here. There is a societal pressure that I am supposed to go, look good, smile and support my husband. He works all year at his job and this is an opportunity to see him shine. That is what I signed up for when I married Ian. My mother-in-law feels that it what I should do, as does a number of good friends whole opinions I respect.

On the other hand, we are not doing a big birthday party for Simon. I have asked my parents to visit some time that week to celebrate, but they can't. I asked if we could visit them the weekend before, but they will have their hands full with my sister and their kids. So, Simon will get a few presents, we will bring cupcakes to his friends at preschool, I will stay with him at school as the parent helper and I will take him out for lunch.

I can't help feeling guilty that he will not be seeing his dad on his birthday AND I won't be eating cake with him and his brothers at dinner.

Ideally, Ian's Christmas party would be another day and we would have a nice family dinner together, but I am going to have to suck it up and accept that my husband needs me more.

Do I sound bitter? I'm not really. I just need to mull this over in my head a bit.

I think it would be easier to accept that I was missing Simon's birthday if I was invited to a U2 concert, or Ian was taking me out on a date alone. Last year at Ian's Christmas party, I was accosted by one of his sales guys who proceeded to lecture me on how there is no such thing as Global Warming. I tried to be polite and disagree, but he seemed to get more fired up. At the time, Ian was busy socializing that he didn't realize I was feeling very uncomfortable until the guys girlfriend suggested that Ian "save me".  Not my idea of a good time.

I would much prefer to be home with my boys, reflecting on how much has changed over the last three years. What a wonderful surprise Simon was. Once the boys were in bed, I would rather spend time alone with Ian over a glass of wine talking about the day and what our future holds.

A mother's guilt is never healthy. We do it to ourselves. Whether it is a missed birthday party, we are late to pick them up from school or we have repremanded our child too harshly. So, to be good to myself, I need to let it go. Take a deep breath and know that in the grand scheme of things, when he is 26, Simon won't remember that we weren't there for the evening of this third birthday. The only one who cares is me. I am not doing something morally wrong. I am accompaning my husband to a work event. I should not feel guilty.

Between Naps

There are a number of schools of thought when it comes to kids naps. I have to say, I am not an expert. At times my kids have been so overtired that they can't function without breaking into tears over what would normally be nothing to them. They have slept in inapproprite places because I have had to go somewhere and needed to take them with me. I have been in and out of nap routines many many times. For the most part, I have tried to maintain a good nap schedule using the book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" as my guide. But when my child's nap schedule does not fit into the greater good of the family, we have skipped it.

So, after 7 years, we are coming to the end of routine nap times with our kids. Simon is almost three now and he doesn't need one every day. The days that Simon takes his nap, it is a battle to get him to sleep, and then he is up late at night.  On the days that he doesn't have one, he is grouchy by dinner time. It is a tricky adjustment that involves quite a bit of patience on my part. We just have to get through this phase.

Some days, I know I am going to miss that time when I get to snuggle in bed with Simon. But I have to say, in many ways, I am looking forward to being able to get out and do things in the afternoons with the boys!

Pumpkins

Haloween

Carving pumpkins is a dirty job. The boys were very happy to lose their shirts to get their hands dirty.

Ethan got a Toys-R-Us gift card for his birthday. With his money he chose to buy this costume for Haloween. He couldn't wait to wear it! Toby was a Dinosaur for his school Haloween party and a vampire for "real Haloween". Simon was a Fireman at Preschool and a Purple Dragon for Haloween. The boys could hardly sit still during dinner. Toby tried to tell me that he was finished his meal and he didn't need desert tonight. He had barely eaten. He just wanted to go Trick or Treating.

Jokes

When kids make up jokes, as a rule, they are not funny. I have heard close to a million made up jokes and they never make me laugh. Sometimes I have to force myself to smile. Other times I have to tell them to stop making up jokes because it is just too painful.

Every once in a while, Toby says something that is so strange, unexpected or funny that we can't help but to laugh out loud.

Today, Toby came home with his school pictures.

Picture day was not a small event for Toby. It was his first one and he wanted to look his best. I ironed the shirt he picked out the night before and hung it up in the laundry room. But when he came downstairs in the morning, he had carefully picked out a brown shirt with a stain on it. He insisted that he had to wear that shirt because he was not allowed to wear green. I tried to tell him that the ironed shirt that he had picked out for picture day didn't have any green on it (or stains for that matter), but he is quite headstrong. I thought it would be best to send Toby to school in a good mood on picture day, and the stained brown shirt was worn with pride.

So, when Toby came home with something special in his Note Tote, I was curious. The school photographers, Bernard Photo Image, gave us a series of twelve proofs of Toby sitting with various backgrounds. With a big smile on his face, Toby, handed the envelope with his pictures to Ian and said "Look Daddy, a whole class of Toby's".

For once, he made a joke that really made us laugh.

A Friday Down Memory Lane

On Friday night, Ian and I were invited to go out for drinks with two of our firends that we knew from university. One friend was in town from Calgary with her boyfriend. They were here for a wedding. The other friend works downtown and lives on the other side of the city with his wife and two kids. We found babysitters and headed for a pub downtown.

I hadn't seen these old friends since I was pregnant with Ethan 7 years ago. A lot has changed since then. Both of our friends are working and quite career driven. I was the only stay-at home-mom in the group. I began to wonder what would I contribute to the conversation? What do I have in common with any of them? I rarely get to speak to adults without being interrupted by the kids. Can I even finish a sentence anymore? Am I intelligent enough to be able to follow, interpret and comment on a conversation about politics, business or world issues or did the children completely suck all the brains out of my body?

Will my old friends judge me for making the choice to be at home rather than work?

I tried very hard to put these thoughts out of my mind. I knew that if I mentioned them to Ian he would just say that I was being silly, over-sensitive or overly self-consious. I don't think that I was. I think that those who stay at home can't help feeling a little bit less secure. There are a number of reasons for that.

1. Most of us stay-at-home parents only lead one life. Ian gets two lives; work, and home. I find that I have to search to see beauty and I have to work to be creative so that I don't fall into the mundane, mindless routine of every day life with little ones. Not an easy task.

2. Most of the time, we are not the primary provider for the family. It's a small source of pride for many husbands to bring home the "bread and butter".

3. Ian is a manager at work, he likes to try to do the same at home. The other day, my in-laws, Ian and I took a survey out of Oprah Magazine to see "Who we are meant to be". The survey was meant to direct us to our true selves without thoughts of our career (or former career), children or other things that might muddle up our direction. As it turns out, both Ian and I are more inclined to direct and lead other people. When Ian tries to apply that to me at home it can be a conflict, but often I have found that I submit to it because I don't feel like asserting myself all the time. It is tiring and I am fairly worn down by the kids. So, when Ian is home, I often fall into the position of "second in command".

I am no longer the overly confident, easily excited, driven, young university graduate that my friends used to know.

Needless to say, I was a bit nervous when I first sat down at the bar and began our conversation.

Of course, Ian would have been right. These friends were not judgemental. They asked us to go out with them because they wanted to see us. They put me at ease right away. The conversation mostly centered on old stories of various people we knew. When the conversation switched to work related issues or politics, I didn't feel excluded. I just listened intently. When I was asked if I thought I would go back to teaching. I answered them honestly... I will when the time is right.

What I took from all of this was...
I am not the same person I was 8 years ago when parenthood officially began for us. However, I am happy with who I have become. I believe that I am more open-minded, more friendly, more willing to try new things, more grounded, and in a way, more confident. There will always be someone out there who tries to belittle what I do or who thinks they understand this parenting business better than I do
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I have to say, at the end of any given day, I can tell you that I tried my best to be a good mom. I was honest, responsible, hard-working and loved my kids to the best of my ability. My kids know that's what I do.

I am a Stay-at home-Mom, that is my title.

P.S. I know I need to get out of the house more!

My Birthday

Today is my birthday.

I'm 35.

Apart from the 6 hour drive in a van that seemed a bit reluctant to want to be driven (it has 187000km's, pulls to the left, has bald wheels and the engine seems to be on the verge of stalling even on the highway) and three restless boys hollering for a DVD, food, volume up, window open, advice to ease car sickness, water, volume down, and window down, etc. it was a peaceful day.

I like being 35. I am more confident that I was in my 20's and even though I am going grey, I don't feel very much older than I was a few years ago. I don't need a lot of presents or phone calls, but it is nice to get the happy birthday greetings from friends and family. The only person I have expectations to make my day special, is my husband. This year, Ian did fairly well.

He managed to get my present before my birthday. That is very important to me and he hasn't always been good about having a present for me on my birthday. So, he remembered!

He also bought me what I wanted (a raincoat and running socks). Oh my god, he listened!

The last request that I have for my birthday is to be treated as somewhat of a princess. Well, as much as I can be. If there is something that daddy can assist with, rather than mommy, than today, I don't jump out of my seat to help. In my head I hope that daddy will come to the child's rescue and hence be both our son's and my hero. It's amazing what Daddy can do just as well as mommy, when given an opportunity.

So, it is 10:00pm and it is still my birthday. My husband is fully exhausted and has gone to bed, the boys are upstairs sawing logs like their father and I am here....

I have two more hours to celebrate. I think I will go crawl into bed.

And for the next two hours, if one of the kids wake up, maybe daddy will sooth them back to sleep. I should rest, because tomorrow will be back to normal.